Dear Carolyn and Nora,

You asked me to show you some pictures of where I live, so here you go!  This is what our apartment looks like when you walk inside:

And if you turn around to look at the door...

Here is our kitchen--I hope you see the beautiful artwork on the fridge composed by our very own nieces!

If you look out the window, this is what you see!  I hope someday you can come visit and swim in our pool.

Here is our bathroom.

Complete with flowers, of course. :)

Here is our bedroom.

And this is what we see when we look out the window!  More palm trees!

I miss you girls like crazy!  I hope you are having a ton of fun this summer.  We love you!!

Love, Auntie Laura and Uncle Ryan

Being Made Well: Hutchmoot 2012

At Hutchmoot this year, I had one of those rare experiences of being able, for a moment, to see clearly.  It was a gift I wasn’t even looking for (God has a habit of giving those!).  I’ve decided to follow John Barber’s lead in resurrecting the old blog so that I can share it with you.

It started with fear.  I have attended Hutchmoot for three years now.  Last year, in 2011, I had a difficult time.  There were good and beautiful things there, of course, but I struggled with feeling self-conscious and afraid most of the time, worried about being liked and accepted.  I felt unsettled and anxious.  I really wanted it to be the almost euphoric experience that the first year had been, but it wasn’t. 

So this year, a few weeks before Hutchmoot, I started considering how I might approach it differently.  I came up with a decent plan for avoiding the fear and self-consciousness, and actually felt pretty hopeful about it.  But a few days before we actually got in the car to head to Nashville, two things happened that I didn’t expect: Jason Gray wrote his post about the Monster in the Mirror, and I got into a fight with my sister.

It actually wasn’t a fight, but I’m not sure how else to succinctly describe it.  It was just a moment in which I accidentally let her see just a corner of some bitterness I had been feeling toward her.  I’m usually very good at controlling what I say, so I can hold all kinds of irritation and condescension inside without anyone ever knowing.  Kind of like what Jason said in his post about the monster, I can believe that because I’m not expressing any of that, I don’t actually have a problem with it.  But when I accidentally mentioned it to my sister, a crack split open in the wall and spread some light on what I had been keeping in the dark.  I realized that I had been in the habit of criticizing and comparing myself to her, of indulging in making myself feel better because I don’t struggle in precisely the same ways that she does.  I read Jason’s post around the same time and the crack opened even wider.  I realized in a rush that I was practicing this habit all across the board, in almost all of my relationships.  No, I rarely said anything rude or pretentious, but in most of my relationships, I found pleasure and satisfaction in considering the ways in which I was smarter, steadier, nicer, or more humble (yeah.).  I looked into that mirror that Jason pointed me to and saw a monster staring back at me.  Fortunately, it was the kind of monster that only needs a little light to be scared away.  I found that simply seeing myself in this way was enough to begin to start living differently.

So I brought the mirror to Hutchmoot and carried it around with me, trying to stay on the lookout for the monster of my own arrogance.  I quickly realized that this, and not the elimination of an unpleasant feeling like fear, was precisely what I had needed in the first place to fully enjoy, appreciate, and participate in Hutchmoot.  I felt able to engage in new and old relationships with much more authenticity than I had the previous year.  I felt able to listen, and to mean it. 

This was the gift I wasn’t looking for—I had just wanted to not feel afraid and self-conscious.  Instead, God went to work on my arrogance, and it gave me freedom that no amount of courage or confidence could have.

When I feel afraid, or ashamed, or anxious, my prayers tend to be focused on the hope that God might make me feel better.  God, give me comfort.  God, help me to not be afraid.  God, remove my guilt.  Surely God is the God of all comfort.  Surely he puts people and situations in our lives that are balm to stinging wounds, and we should be glad and grateful when relief like that is given.  But it may be even truer to say that God is the God of redemption and renewal, of healing and wholeness.  What I most want may be to just feel better.  But God wants me to be better.  He wants to gather me up, along with all of creation, in his work of making all things new through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  May he give me the grace to want that, too.

Gratitude, Hutchmoot-style

Last weekend my good friend Laura Peterson and I attended a conference in Nashville called Hutchmoot. As I have labored over this post over the course of the last week, I have found the actual event to be quite as inexplicable as the name. “What is a Hutchmoot?” is almost as difficult a question to answer as “How was Hutchmoot?”

Here’s my best shot at explaining the first: Hutchmoot was a gathering of various sorts of storytellers (authors, songwriters, sit-in-a-coffee-shop-with-a-book-and-a-friend storytellers, etc.) who share a belief in the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We found each other by way of the Rabbit Room (an excellent little corner of the internet) and many of us also share a love for the writing and/or music of J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Frederick Buechner, Andrew Peterson, Jason Gray, and many others. In short, Hutchmoot was a way for a bunch of people who had never met each other to come and talk about things they found they all cared about.

Laura and I were there among them, and I’m gladder than I can say that we were.

I’m glad because now I know what “the magic hour” is and find myself filled with gratitude almost every evening when the descending light turns everything golden. It is a fine thing to have more gratitude in your life.

I’m glad because I now have several new items on my List of Books to Read. They come with recommendations from most trusted sources, so I’m counting on them being Very Good.

I’m glad because I now have a heavy (but not too heavy) hand-thrown mug called “The Professor” to drink my coffee out of every morning. I want to say that when I drink from it I get little visions of the wonderful things that I learned at Hutchmoot, but that’s not really true. It’s more of just a warm feeling, a comfort, like a smile I don’t realize I’m smiling until later.

I’m glad because I know better than I did before that I have something to offer other people. During one session Andrew Peterson shared with us his belief that each of us is an “image-bearer,” and therefore each of us, even the most unlikely, can create and share and edify. At Hutchmoot, I remembered that my desire to create is a good and God-given thing. At Hutchmoot, I realized that what the Rabbit Room contributors do that convicts and affirms and encourages me is essentially just “composed experience,” to quote Walt Wangerin. It’s shaping and naming, and then sharing. Handing it to someone else to experience. I have dabbled in the shaping. Now I want to learn how to do the sharing.

I’m glad for the delight of having crossed paths (even ever so briefly) with other people who believe that stories are important, that beauty is worth taking time to shape and thank God for, and that The Story is indeed true. I remember now better than I did why I believe these things.

And I’m glad for the delight of a more lasting variety of continuing on the same path, at least for now, with my good friend and traveling companion Laura Peterson.

There’s more to say, of course. Maybe there will be other Hutchmoot posts in future days. But for now, may I simply be thankful for what I have been given.

The Sandwich

Today I worked for 6.5 hours, made six dollars, and spent five of them on my lunch. It was the best decision I made all day. I got a Monte Cristo sandwich—ham, turkey, and swiss in between two thick pieces of powdered sugar French toast with raspberry dipping sauce on the side. I savored every bite. I raved about it to my coworkers, who politely nodded. I ate the whole thing instead of saving the second half for later.

I spent the other dollar on a coffee at Lemonjello’s, where I am right now, enjoying the air conditioning and the unexpected afternoon off work.

Talk about enjoying what you have like you couldn't if you were worrying about what you don’t. May I remember.

It was a rough day. There’s a hefty amount of cleaning and various other chores to do in our restaurant, even when you don’t have tables to serve, and today we definitely didn’t have enough tables to serve. It’s always discouraging to work hard and not be compensated for it. It’s easy to complain, easy to compare your lot with someone else’s, easy to let bitterness crawl out of you… or at the very least, crawl around inside you (Yes, I think I inadvertently borrowed that sentence structure from Andrew Peterson).

But God was gracious. On the whole, I was more grateful than I might have been, more controlled than I wanted to be, and more good-humored than the rusted and corroded soul inside me could have ever been without the grace of God.

I guess when things reach a certain point of bad-ness, there’s really not anything you can do about it except laugh. So I laughed. And, without even putting my ice scoop down, I hugged Amelia when she told me I could go home.

(By the way, my Hutchmoot response post is indeed still forthcoming, for all of you who have asked about the weekend and been disappointed by my vague answer of “It was really good.” I haven’t given up yet.)

Trusting the Narrator: A Review of The Wingfeather Saga

When On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness did not grab me by the hair within the first few chapters, I almost put it down. I felt confused by all the strange creatures and customs of Skree and unengaged in the story. As Andrew Peterson’s songs have been extremely meaningful to me over the years, I had hoped that his stories would be the same. Naturally, I was disappointed. I concluded that I would just have to dismiss it as a valiant but failed effort by a good artist to cross genres. I figured I’d just listen to his music from then on, after at least doing the book the dignity of finishing it.

Then one night, it hooked me.

Without warning, I found myself finishing the second half of On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness in one swallow and urgently flipping open North! Or Be Eaten. All of a sudden, I was involved and participating in the story. Janner, Tink, Leeli, and the others had become real and I found that I cared.

Thinking about it now, I think the thing that changed in the middle of On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness was not the story, but me: I had started to trust the narrator. He had managed to make me care, even though I had entered his tale with a whole briefcase full of suspicions, criticisms, and practicalities that threatened to ward off the wonder of Aerwiar and Skree and the Wingfeathers. That he managed to pull that care out of me, even after I had dismissed Aerwiar as too unbelievable and the narrator as too unreliable, was reason enough for me to trust him.

Most of you reading this will not have read the book yet. Well, let me tell you—the Wingfeather Saga takes place in a very, very strange place. Aerwiar feels much more foreign, at least to me, than Middle Earth or Narnia or Hogwarts has ever seemed. And the narrator who guides you is just as strange.

But to walk through that strange place, at least as more than a shadow, to walk through it with your heart open, takes a lot of trust. We have to trust that this narrator is telling us the truth, that when he tells us that “the common thwap was a little bigger than a skonk” (OEDSD, p. 16), it is true and it is important for us to know. Even though we have no idea how big a skonk is, and therefore have no idea how big a thwap is! This is humorous, but it’s also more than humorous. The narrator is testing the reader: “Do you have the kind of imagination it takes to walk through Aerwiar and come out changed? Are you still enough of a child to play, to laugh, and to trust?”

You will probably enjoy the ride through the story, laugh at the funny lines, and be entertained by the adventure if you are not. It’s a worthy plotline with memorable characters (especially North! Or Be Eaten, in my opinion). But to let your soul into it, to be changed and made new by it (as all good readers of good stories do, I think), you have to trust this narrator. Even when he tells you mysterious, great, or seemingly irrelevant things that you do not understand.

I did not trust him at first. But I’m glad I learned to—the characters and their struggles have latched onto my heart and I won’t be forgetting them. I highly recommend both books to you and look forward to reading them again myself in the near future, but not without locking the suspicious adult in me away in a box when I do so.

Rest

Now, after a long spring of writing papers, listening to lectures, and driving for hours on I-96 every week, I am a graduated graduate student.

This morning I made cranberry-almond baked oatmeal and cinnamon-spiked Love Buzz coffee, completed my Beth Moore study for the day, and read the next chunk of Eugene Peterson’s The Jesus Way attentively enough to thoughtfully contemplate what I read. After church I shared a thought-provoking lunchtime conversation with Nicole and now I am in Lemonjello’s, reading my book and writing.

This is rest. And it is wonderful!

I am beginning the job search, and hope to work through that process diligently and faithfully. But today, in this particular moment, I am most grateful for the chance to be still, to stay in the same place for a few days, to gather up my hopes and recent experiences and spend some good time sorting through them, trying to hold them steady in my hands.

Today I changed my blog layout.

Does that count as a post? :)

Yours in contemplation of how some people manage to share their words with the world,
Laura.

end of the summer

Last weekend we threw a little party celebrating numerous birthdays, Jeannette's leaving of Holland, Jon's new apartment, and the end of the summer. We had a great time and almost all of my dearest friends were there. We took this picture, which amazingly turned out great of all of us!

From the top left: Anna, Analisa, me, Nicki, Nicole, Kristen, Laura P., Jeannette, Joanna, Noah, Jon, Matt, and Steven.

It is good to live near good friends!

The Bridge

So... it's been a while, but here's an update!

Summer at the Bridge has been really great so far. I have been coordinating our summer program--definitely a different sort of job than what I did through the year! Now I am the one setting up activities, making schedules, and being in charge. It reminds me of my summer in DC in a lot of ways, although it is certainly not as stressful. I am learning and growing a lot!

Jed (my supervisor) asked me to keep a written and photo record of what we do (not something that disappoints me!), so I decided to put it in blog form. If you're curious what we're doing this summer, check out bridgeyouthministry.blogspot.com. Right now there aren't any pictures because I still need to get the permission from parents to do that, but I have pictures on my computer to put up when I get that.

To give you some idea of how the summer program is structured, we are doing two days a week of "Bridging Out." On Wednesdays we go on fun adventures and on Fridays we do service projects. It's pretty cool, and we've had a great turn-out so far! You guys should pray for us--this program is brand-new and I'm still learning a lot. :)

and more

I recently found out that I am accepted to every school I applied to! Pretty cool.

Now I need to really decide whether or not I want to go to Michigan or Michigan State! The other day I was talking about it with my friend Mike, and after we discussed pros and cons for a while, I asked him where he thought I'd end up. He told me that he is 100% positive that I'll go to Michigan State, despite my uncertainty! Anyone else have bets? :)

Anyway, I'm still working through it. I think it would be amazing to go to Michigan's program, but it will probably end up costing me about twice as much. And it would also be pretty sweet to be in the same town as Jon (if I go to MSU), although I have yet to figure out how much that should be affecting my decision!

Anyone have any thoughts?

graduate school

So, I thought you all should know... Michigan State accepted me into their MSW program!

Now the problem is that they want a decision from me by April 3, and I have yet to hear from U of M. What should I do?

Anyway, all to say... please pray for me as I try to discern where God wants me next year!

Thanks. :)

I am a Hamster

For those who are curious, I've started running again.

I recently joined a nice community gym that has lots of treadmills and friendly people. Even better, they have a deal for new members so that if I work out 24 times in the next two months (roughly 3 times a week), I get my third month free. How cool! Not only do I save money, but I have an extra incentive to put in the work necessary to form the good habits I need.

Chicago 2008 is coming... And I'm planning to actually train well for it this year! :)

been a while

Announcement:
I expect to start posting regularly again... :)

I was thinking about the Circ today, and realized that it has been dead (or sleeping?) for a long time now. I thought, "That's a real shame," and considered reviving it. And then I realized that the Circ did not just die--it died and became something else, like seeds do. It is the Blogs now! So now this is my humble effort to remain connected to my family despite the death of the Circ.

Today we have a snow day, so I went in to work for about an hour and a half, stopped by home for lunch, and have been at Lemonjello's pretty much ever since. I think I'm probably one of the people most hated by the employees here because I walk in with my big bag of stuff, spend a dollar or two, and then spend hours on end taking up a whole table near a plug. Today I am working on my admissions essays and some writing for AmeriCorps. Sometimes I complain to my friends about how much work it is to apply to grad school, but in reality I'm glad for the work. I'm glad to have a reason to write and think critically again.

And here's the Picture of the Day, taken last May:

Ahh summer... Does anyone miss the SUN as much as I do?? :)

thanksgiving party

Last night my apartment hosted a small feast. We crammed twenty-two people into our apartment that sometimes feels tight with four of us in it. It was a blast.

This is our dinner table. Isn't it pretty?!
And this is the "kids' table." Every proper family thanksgiving needs one, right?
Anna, carving the turkey
This isn't a very good picture, but it gives you some idea of how difficult it was to move around with one giant table, one small table, a whole lot of food, and a whole bunch of people!
Jon, Kristin, Kristen, Joanna, Steven, Ross, Jeannette, Analisa, Carolyn, Dan, and Tyler
Noah, Mike, Joe, John, Zach, Anna, Laura, and Nicole
And my wonderful roommates, Analisa, Jeannette, and Laura!

finally, some pictures!

Last weekend I finally dragged my camera out of its hibernation. I had been feeling like my pictures never really looked much different from pictures I've taken before, seeing as I spend time with the people I've been spending time with for years doing the same thing we've done for years. So I stopped taking pictures for a while and just enjoyed life. But I finally decided that you all might appreciate a few pictures, so I did my best! Here is a short documentation of the "wine and cheese party" that Kristin and Anna (they live together in a house near campus) hosted last weekend:

Me, Joanna, and Kristen L

Nicole and Anna

Dan and Mike

Joanna and Kristin O

Me and my roommate, Laura

a few of my favorite things

This is my favorite time of the year. It's fall, which of course is most people's favorite time of the year (or perhaps I have a distorted perspective!). However, it's also my favorite time of fall. Ever since I started at Hope, the changing seasons have brought on new transitions. As a post-college student now, the changing seasons seem to still bring on new transitions. This is my favorite time of season because I've been here long enough to be comfortable and feel established and to know what I love about being here.

So I thought I would share some of those things with you:

I love drinking coffee on the weekends. Actually, I'm in JP's right now, enjoying pumpkin spice coffee and a muffin. A few weeks ago I decided to start drinking only black tea during the week and coffee only on the weekends. Slurping down some coffee in the five minutes I have before I have to walk out the door in the morning might enable me to not have a headache later in the day, but it is not the enjoyable experience that made me love coffee in the first place. Why waste it like that? Drinking coffee is an all-around much more enjoyable experience now that it is restricted to the times when I actually have time to enjoy it!

Another thing that I love is our writing/art group. Many of my close friends also enjoy writing and the arts. Most of us are writers, but most of also have another creative outlet. Jeannette, Noah, and Steven, for instance, are musicians. Joanna is a dancer. Anna draws. We have been getting together weekly to talk about, share, and practice art together. Our central reason for the group is to use the arts to know each other better and worship God together. I feel like it has given me a whole new reason for writing, and I am loving it!

Three or four days a week I spend an hour and a half at middle school lunches. This time with kids is certainly one of the highlights of my week every week. There are two middle schools in Zeeland: Creekside and Cityside. I think I like it so much because it's a place where I feel wanted and needed. Ironic, isn't it? My memories of actually being a middle schooler are certainly not quite that positive! I suppose everything is different when you come into it with a new perspective.

I've also been enjoying studying in the library from time to time. It seems that now that I'm not a student, I can't get enough of the freedom to study whatever I want whenever I want it. Lately I've been reading a lot in a social psychology textbook. It's fascinating stuff.

Of course, there are many other things that I love and that I do. This is just a little sampling of my life. :)

the marathon

So, a couple of weeks ago I ran a marathon.
I didn't plan on running a marathon.

The night I got back, I went over to Noah and Kristen's apartment for a short while. Kristen made me eggs (with onion and potato and cheese!) and toast, and they both sort of goggled at me for most of the time I was there. Later, Noah told me that he was writing a piece about my running the marathon. I suppose it was something that had continued to sit in their minds since I told them I had gone twice as far as I had intended.

He said that it reminds him of the body of Christ. Obviously, I was physically capable of doing it. But I never would have run 26.2 miles if I had not been surrounded by 45,000 other runners and millions of onlookers. Imagine what we're capable of doing for Christ, but can only do with the support of the rest of the Body. Interesting, isn't it?

Anyway, this is my favorite photo from the marathon, lifted with gratitude from my mother's blog:

Well, I have officially gotten settled in my new apartment and started my new job. (Pictures will be up soon!) And I thought it was just about time to update you on Life After the Summer After Graduation In Which I Pretended to Still Be A Student.

I'm living with two girls I lived with last year, Laura and Jeannette, and a girl I only recently met, Analisa. The apartment is really coming together! We are even having a housewarming party tonight, dubbed by Jeannette the "I don't want to grow up" party. I already really enjoy living with these girls--it is a special thing to share your living space with people who know you so well.

On Tuesday I started my year at the Bridge, and I already feel even more certain that I am where the Lord wants me to be. It is a wonderful thing to build relationships and get to know people and have that count as my JOB. It is new territory for me, though. It's been a long time since I've spent much time with middle-schoolers! Every day is a new learning experience. For instance, I met one girl on Tuesday, felt pretty certain that I hadn't made much of a connection with her, and the next day I ran into her at lunch and she talked my ear off, and now we have a friendship. I guess you don't always know what's going on in kids' minds!

September is looking to be a pretty light month--my two focus programs, Bridge to Excellence and Suspending Bridges, don't officially begin until October. So right now I go to lunches at the middle schools (both intimidating and crazy fun!) most days, go to meetings occasionally, and hang out at Drop-In on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My job is to get to know kids. I don't think I could have asked for a better job.

In other news, you all might be interested to know that Boatwerks closed. That's right, gone. Not out of business, just done. Apparently the owner had a beef with the City of Holland and made his point by shutting down the restaurant. There sure are some crazy people there!

Well, that'll do for now. I am in the process of documenting both Life and Job in photographs... you'll see them soon. :)

Weddings

Here is a transcript of the #1 Conversation of the Summer, occurring between almost any pair of people between the ages of 20 and 25:

Person #1: So, what are you doing this weekend?
Person #2: Oh, I'm going to a wedding.
Person #1: Oh really? Me too!
Person #2: There sure are a lot of people getting married, don't you think?
Person #1: Absolutely!
Person #2: I feel like everyone I know is married or getting married or wishing they were getting married.
Person #1: Me too!
Person #2: Crazy world, huh?

Anyway... just thought I'd put it in print.

AND... Congratulations, Ellen and Joel, Nicki and Matt, and Abby and Phil :)

Signing off from the SECOND post of the month,
Laura

a bit of photo-taking

The other night Mike and I decided to go play with his new digital SLR (okay, I mostly played with my wimpy digital :P) while the sun was setting on campus. And I thought I'd share them with you. :)

That's it for now! This summer has been a frightfully slow time of picture-taking.